October 30, 2014

Hello dave Please, Someone Say Boo and Hand Me Candy

Two days ago, a woman was gruesomely murdered by her son in the Farmingdale area. The son then threw himself in front of a LIRR train. Today I read that a woman hung herself at the Medford station.

Please, someone tell me I'm on Candid Camera. Usually I'd make some kind of snarky comment, but these stories just make me sad. 

October 28, 2014

Hello dave Ebola and You: A Commuter's Survival Guide

Ebola's here! Ebola's here! And I'm sure you're wondering how the heck you can avoid catching this dreadful virus. The short answer is "good luck with that." It's highly contagious, and here in New York we spend a lot of time in tight spaces. Mayor Bill de Blasio has ensured us that we should not panic, but that's about as comforting to me as former Vice President Dan Quayle telling us that it's perfectly safe to eat genetically modified foods.

So, I'm ignoring the warnings and following my own avoidance methods. After all, exactly one person has fallen victim to this heinous virus, approximately 1500 miles away, in a country of 300,000,000 people. So I'm not taking any chances. I've come up with ten train behavior suggestions to avoid catching Ebola. I call it, "Ebola and You: A Commuter's Survival Guide."

As a collateral impact, many of these efforts will result in a more pleasant commute. Everyone wins!

1. Stop talking. Some people spit as they speak. Ebola travels in saliva droplets (I haven't yet confirmed this, because I just made it up). If you don't cell phone-blather on the train, not only will you help contain Ebola, you'll make things more pleasant for everyone around you. Promise.

2. Sneeze into a rag. When you sneeze, you expel droplets. Ebola travels in droplets. Cover your nose and mouth. Put the rag back in your pocket. This isn't complicated.

3. Cough into a rag. See #2. Substitute "cough" for "sneeze." You can reach out to me if this direction is not clear or if you have any questions. But I know you get it. Please don't make me do a drawing.

4. Personal Space! When we're standing in the vestibule because the seats are all taken, there is no reason, unless the train is ridiculously crowded, to stand within my personal space. Move! Or I'll cough on you. Maybe I have Ebola, maybe not. Do you want to take that chance?

5. Don't ask to borrow my phone. Facial grease is an Ebola transmitter! I know this because it's technically a fluid. A gross fluid, but a fluid. Charge your phone before you leave the office. I can't take the chance of Ebola covered hands touching it.

6. If your neighbor appears to have a fever, consider relocating. This also applies to a neighbor who appears to be vomiting.

7. If you need to use the lav, just hold it in. This has nothing to do with Ebola, really. The lavs are gross on the train. Wait until you get home.

8. If you come upon a petri dish resting on a seat, move on. It is rare for Ebola to travel without a host organism, but you can't take enough precautions. If a seat is taken by a petri dish, DO NOT ask it to remove its bag from the adjacent seat. Move on.


9. If you see someone in a HAZMAT suit reading "Herbal Ebola Remedies," move on. Enough said. Herbal remedies are often controversial. We don't need controversy on our commute.

10. Forget the commute. Stay home. You don't want to catch anything, so stay where it's safe. I suggest drawing the shades, shutting off the lights, and spending the day scrubbing the house. Snuggle up with your 17 cats.

If you need me, I'll be trying on HAZMAT suits at "Ebola 'n' Things" at the mall.

**
Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.
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Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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October 26, 2014

Hello dave Guest Post: Emily's Ebola Manifesto

Today's TTIV blog entry is a guest post from my friend Emily. Featured in the mastheads of influential magazines such as Glamour and People, she has grabbed this Ebola scare by the horns and has a lot to say about it. It's more of a manifesto than a blog entry. Enjoy.

I felt that TTIV wouldn't truly be a transportation-centric news source without a report on the newest darling of the infectious disease community, Ebola. I'm going to give TTIV a rest and take the wheel on this one. 

At an impressionable age, I dove into the book "The Hot Zone, the Terrifying True Story of the Origins of the Ebola Virus," by Richard Preston. Do you know this book? It came out in 1994, and when I first saw it in a bookstore (remember bookstores?), I knew I had to read it. It was the most terrifying book I wish I'd never read. I loved it. And, it equipped me with knowledge.

Fast forward to 2014. Ebola is a trending topic on Twitter (the source of 94.829% of my news). You can buy a cute and fuzzy Ebola stuffed toy. The news reporters are breathless, the gleam in their eyes unmistakable, as they talk about the game of "catch me if you can" with Ebola in the United States. It has now hit my city, and I am welcoming it with open arms and an unlimited MetroCard.

As a New Yorker, I'm excited to host the virus of the century. TTIV Note: When you think about it, where else but the world's center stage should a virus of epic proportions go? New York, of course! It did its time in Africa. It paid its dues. It's ready for the big time. 

Look at all the things Ebola gives us! 
  1. Bellevue Hospital gets to be known for something else besides being a mental hospital
  2. You can get your very own commuter or subway car, and you just have to shout, 'I'm infected!"
  3. On every ride, you can ask yourself about the person suffering from cold symptoms next to you, "is that person infected or suffering from ragweed? 
Let's get back to the bigger picture. The stories of how people are catching Ebola confuse me. They KNOW it's highly infectious. Were they not wearing head to toe HAZMAT suits at all times? Call me insensitive, but sometimes I think Ebola is here to thin out the idiots from the tribe. That isn't a bad thing. Unless you're an idiot.

How do you get Ebola and bring it back to the USA? You have to make a concerted effort. Here's how I think it goes: The person finds himself chillin' with an infected Ebola patient and decides the HAZMAT suit makes him look fat. He also worries that it makes the infected guy feel insecure, and he's a caring person. He takes off the suit, they hug it out, and then he decides it's time redeem some of his travel points. Hey, they're about to expire. He gets on a plane to the US. 

He arrives back in New York City, and he's got simmering Ebola while having never felt better. He gets on the A Train, gets on the L train, goes to Brooklyn, and grabs a lane with some buds and bowls. Hanging with the hipsters, they spend an evening comparing beards, skinny jeans, and trendy sneakers. They bowl a few games, and then he goes home to vomit his brains out.

Let's get serious here. I feel sorry for the guy. He's a member of "Doctors Without Borders," a group that does real humanitarian work. But what happened upon his return? Why did he become a Doctor Without Morals, Common Sense, or Conscience? He should have known better and quarantined himself. He went into the hot zone. He treated people with the disease. He knew it takes a few weeks to erupt. But what did he do? He got on public transportation and shared it with everyone. When he recovers, I think he should pay for all the overtime spent disinfecting the places he went. Maybe even be charged with a crime.

Williamsburg's hipness just grew a bit. They now have a brand new reason to call themselves the Hot Zone. Just don't ask me to get on the L train for another six months.

**
Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.
Share your commuting stories on the Facebook TTIV site, on Twitter, using hashtag #TTIV, or via email.
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October 23, 2014

Hello dave Spiders on a Train

On the train, looked up from my book and saw a spider spinning a web directly in front of me. Woman next to me got skittish, and I batted it away. Wish I'd taken a picture first. Not something you see every day.  

Makes me wonder how much of the arachnid/insect food chain lurks on trains. 

October 21, 2014

Hello dave The World's Most Adaptable Man

On the train one recent evening, I witnessed the WORLD'S MOST ADAPTABLE MAN. You may think I'm speaking in hyperbole, but I'm not.  Really, I saw a person who did something so incredible that he easily qualified as the WORLD'S MOST ADAPTABLE MAN. Let me tell you why.

Breathtaking architecture like this is visible from the LIRR
I was on the eastbound train home, and we were approaching my destination, Hicksville. I was restless so I got up and stood in the vestibule. I played with my phone and looked out at the beautiful Long Island scenery. All along the railway line are the backs of strip malls, with overflowing dumpsters and debris. And the architecture! Many of these buildings were constructed using the rarest of cinderblock. Sometimes the cinderblock is painted, and sometimes it's a beautiful natural gray. Indescribable. The photo does it no justice. If you haven't seen it, I urge you to take a trip on the Long Island Rail Road main line one day. You'll be glad you did.

Sorry, I'm deviating from topic. Back to the story.

I was standing in the vestibule, and I looked over at the seats. That was when I saw the WORLD'S MOST ADAPTABLE MAN. To best describe what I saw, I provide the crude photo below.

First, to show where I was, look near the doors. That's me smiling for the camera. In reality though, I was looking at the three people on the left.

The WORLD'S MOST ADAPTABLE MAN has his head against the window, and he is out cold. Snoring, probably catching flies. And look what's going on around him! There's a woman blathering on her cel phone right next to him. And what's going on behind him? There's a man talking on his cel phone.

How did he do it? How did he manage to sleep with all that racket going on around him? Assuming he didn't take an Ambien sleeping pill for the commute, and that he hadn't been on an all day drinking bender, one can only assume that he's highly even-keeled and can handle just about everything. Kudos to him, I wish I could be that tolerant.

This person is, in my opinion, the consummate professional commuter. He is the WORLD'S MOST ADAPTABLE MAN. Or he suffers from hearing loss.

**

Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Share your commuting stories on the Facebook TTIV site, on Twitter, using hashtag #TTIV, or via email.

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Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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October 19, 2014

Hello dave The Bus, The Bus, The Bus Is On Fire

Today's TTIV post is from our NJ Transit Bus Correspondent, Chintan. Buses sometimes go out of service, as do trains. However, when buses go out of service, it's a much more dramatic experience.

Here's something that doesn't happen every day. Well, for those who commute on NJ Transit, it does. But for everyone else, it may be surprising. A crowded bus catches fire, during rush hour. Everyone has to exit and wait for another bus while emergency vehicles attend to the stricken bus. 

Those who get caught in this situation are no doubt aware that this tragedy inevitably unfolds at a major merge point, or within a single, enclosed lane. Why have a burning bus if you can't maximize the disruption it causes?

It most recently happened on a busy Tuesday. I was lucky enough to have taken the early bus, and was past the point at which the bus on fire blocked everyone else.  

For the non New Jersey Transit Bus commuters, here's a little background for you.

To access the Port Authority Bus Station on 42nd Street, the buses enter Manhattan via the Lincoln Tunnel. The Port Authority of NY/NJ has graciously arranged for a single, extremely narrow lane to be used for buses only, known as the XBL (Express Bus Lane).  The XBL runs for several miles and has barriers on both sides, meaning that if a bus becomes disabled in the XBL, there is no detouring
for the buses behind it. They're screwed.

The XBL has three merge points: a) from the west, b) from the north, and c) from the south. These three merge points are all within 1000 feet of each other. If there's an incident at any merge point, you can guess the impact.

To give you a visual of this, please see the Google map to the right. TTIV Note: Can you understand this map? Neither can I. New Jersey roads confuse me to no end. So, I’ve provided the simplified crude drawing below.

The Tuesday incident happened after the south merge, so it impacted all buses behind the bus on fire. If you come from New Jersey, you were late that day.

That day I dodged a bullet, but another time I wasn't so lucky. I was on my way home, and the bus caught fire. As we exited the Lincoln tunnel, the bus jerked and the passengers started to smell smoke. About half a mile later, the smoke was getting so thick that the driver stopped the bus, opened the bus door, and yelled "EVERYONE OUT!" He proceeded to exit first. A stellar ship's captain. Quite the gentleman. He ran about 50 feet and motioned for the rest of us to get away. A brief two hours later, another bus picked us up and brought us home.

Moral of the story? Keep a granola bar in your bag in case your commuting vessel combusts. It may be a while. Oh, and sit in the front of the bus, as engine fires occur in the back. Just be careful of the driver trampling you as you exit.

Thanks Chintan for your contribution! If you'd like to contribute a guest blog post, let me know! You can write it, or tell me the story and I'll write it.

**
Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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October 17, 2014

Hello dave Slippin' and Slidin'

I'd like to welcome TTIV readers to "Slip/Slide Conditions Season." During this period, leaves fall from the trees onto the tracks. When it rains, the water and leaves combine to form an oily mush. The Long Island Rail Road clears the rails frequently during off hours. However, there are a lot of trees and a lot of leaves.


What's the impact? That oily mush is all over the rails. It's akin to driving on a road covered in banana peels and motor oil. When the trains brake, the wheels lock, but the trains slide due to the oil. This causes the train wheels to flatten. The impacted train cars need to be taken out of service for wheel resurfacing.

The net effect of slip/slide conditions is that trains move slower to avoid damaging equipment. It means delays, shorter trains due to fewer available cars, and for all but the most even-tempered, aggravation. This translates to bad behavior. Bad behavior translates to blog posts, crude drawings, and rants.

Of course, if you check the on-time-performance charts for my line at the end of the slip/slide period, you will be pleasantly surprised to see that we were on time 97.829% of the time. The delays will all have been a dream. Just like when Bobby Ewing returned to Dallas. Only I won't be in the shower reading the latest copy of 'TrainTalk." I'll be on the train, scratching my head, wondering if my memory is failing me.

Stay tuned.

**

Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Share your commuting stories on the Facebook TTIV site, on Twitter, using hashtag #TTIV, or via email.

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail" box.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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October 16, 2014

Hello dave A Brisk Walk Down The Aisle

On the train, a woman walked quickly down the aisle asking people to take a service survey. About halfway through the car, the train jerked and she went flying, running up and out of my sight. 

I hope she's ok, I know I shouldn't laugh, but damn that was funny.

October 15, 2014

Hello dave Neurosis And Agita On The 7:29 AM

Usually, I'm a pretty easygoing guy, but I have my neuroses like everyone else. Within the shared confines of the train, I frequently see things that trigger them. In this blog post, I will share a few.


Full coffee cup placed precariously on the empty middle seat. As I described in an earlier post, "Finding a Good Seat On the Train: The Xs and Os," the best commuting situation is a spot on a three-seater, either an aisle or window, where no one is in the middle. But sometimes my seat mate stresses me out in that situation. Why? Because he is drinking coffee and puts the cup down on the middle seat to turn his book page, send a text, etc. I'm staring at the cup out of the corner of my eye. The train is going to jerk and I am going to wear that coffee. I have to say something to him. Should I say something? I think I'll say something. Do I really want to talk to this guy? No, not really. I'll just sit here and vigilantly watch his coffee. It better not spill on me. Ok, fine. I'll say something. SIGH.

Agita.

The bag strap hanging down from the overhead rack.  The overhead racks are wide open. You can look up and see what's on them from your seat. See the image on the left. Typically, this is not a problem. But sometimes, there's a bag sitting on the rack and the shoulder strap has fallen through the slats, and is hanging above your face. It may not be IN your face, but it's IN your line of vision. Maybe I'll get up and move it. Nah, I'm so comfortable. And I have my laptop open in front of me. Getting up will be a pain. Really, the bag's owner should move it. But he's asleep. I'm obsessing about this strap. I must move it. Ok, I won't bother.

Agita.

"The Strain" TV Show ad. Did you see this vile ad? The show started on some cable network back in the summer, and the ads were both revolting AND widely distributed. I debated posting a photo in this post, so you'd know what I'm talking about, but decided to just share a censored version of it. Look at this! An eye with a worm coming out of it? An ophthalmologist's nightmare. Is this an ad that should have been placed in hundreds of train cars? For a while, every train I went on had this awful advertisement. 45 commuting minutes of yuck. I'm not looking at it. But yet, I keep looking at it. So gross.

I never watched the show. I got enough agita from the ad.

I'm sure I have other neuroses I could share, but they're buried deep in my unconscious mind to protect my conscious mind. For the good of the blog, I'll go to a shrink and he can pry them out for me. In the meantime, that's all I have. Hope that's enough? Is it enough? I'm so worried that it's not enough.

**

Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Share your commuting stories on the Facebook TTIV site, on Twitter, using hashtag #TTIV, or via email.

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail" box.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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October 12, 2014

Hello dave Mr. Murphy, I Should Have Stayed Home

A disabled train somewhere west of Hicksville snarled LIRR traffic on Friday morning.  The platform was packed. A Brooklyn-bound train pulled in, and I happily got on. The throng on the platform wanted to go to Penn Station in Manhattan, and very few boarded. My final destination being downtown Manhattan, it's just as convenient to go to Brooklyn or Penn. I sat down, looked out at the commuters waiting on the platform, and thought, "TTIV 1, Train Delays 0."

Little did I realize that Murphy's Law would apply.

We moved at a brisk 4 MPH all the way to Brooklyn, and arrived about 25 minutes later than scheduled. However, I'm sure the LIRR on-time statistics will reflect "on time arrival." Then they'll put out self-congratulatory flyers on all the train seats one morning indicating that the line has been 98% on time for the quarter. They need to consult my 4-year old son on how to tell time.

Sorry, I'm deviating from topic. I do that. 

Once in the LIRR Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn, I headed to the subway. I looked past the turnstiles, to see that the platform was packed. Great. A water main break at Canal Street was causing subway delays. It was really crowded, and I let three trains go by before I finally shoehorned myself into a subway car. 

When I boarded with the other 829 people into this car, I stepped in sticky mystery liquid. It was all over the floor. You couldn't go anywhere in this car without stepping into it. Gross. I felt like I was on the floor of a cotton candy factory. 

At the next stop, the conductor announced we would be delayed. As we stood there, a foul odor filled the car. I attributed the odor to the woman standing next to me, although I have no proof. She must have eaten a bean, cauliflower, and broccoli burrito for dinner the prior night. To make matters worse, she was swaying back and forth, presumably to the music in her head. She kept banging into me. Zero concept of personal space.

To top it all off, the train doors were open, and there was a guy standing by the doors slamming his hand over and over on the outside of the train car out of frustration. Who knows why, perhaps he was trying to get the attention of the conductors. I guess in his mind, banging the outside of the train with his hand would will us to move. I don't know if that worked, but he DID succeed in terrifying the people directly around him.

What else could have gone wrong? I'm not sure, but if Ebola symptoms appear in 18-20 days, I will be certain I caught it on Friday morning. From a guy named Murphy.

**

Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Share your commuting stories on the Facebook TTIV site, on Twitter, using hashtag #TTIV, or via email.

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email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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October 8, 2014

Hello dave The Platform Dance

Tonight, I got off the train as usual at Hicksville Station and made my way toward the east side staircase. I expected the usual walk to my car. Instead, I have a story to tell. To best describe the scene, I provide a crude drawing.

Hicksville Station Platform, Wednesday Evening, 8 PM
As you can see, there is a platform with rails on either side. There is a waiting room, which provides relief from bad weather. On rainy or cold days, the room is packed with commuters during rush hour and it smells like a combination of a smoking lounge, public men's room that hasn't been cleaned in several months, a dog kennel, and after-shave. But I'm deviating from topic.

On the right side of the diagram are three people. In the center is a woman colored pink who is dragging a luggage piece on wheels. I am behind her. Walking toward both of us is a woman, colored green.

I just noticed that in the drawing, I am a lot smaller than the other two people. I have no body, just arms and legs. I look like a spider with a large head. I have to get better at these drawings.

As we converged upon the catwalk area between the waiting room and the platform edge, I could see that the green woman was walking unsteadily. The two women came upon each other.

Have you ever walked toward someone and done that dance where you cut to the left and the person coming toward you cuts to the right at the same time? Then you both try to shift in the opposite direction, and you have a little laugh with one another until you negotiate what direction you're both going to go. Then you pass, and you're on your way. That's what happened here.

Without the little laugh.

The angry unstable woman screamed at her. "WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING? I'M TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE. YOU OUGHTA GET YOUR EYES CHECKED YOU STUPID..." On and on she went. She passed both of us, I don't even think she saw me. I felt bad for the woman with the bag, she was just trying to get home and had to eat a scoop of crazy before dinner.

Moral: You always lose when you interact with lunatics. And I am not an arachnid, despite playing one in this story.

**

Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

The best compliment I can receive is a new follower who was referred by a friend! 

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail" box.  Or, if you're on Facebook, give TheTrainInVain page a "Like."  You can also follow on Twitter.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

October 6, 2014

October 5, 2014

Hello dave THERE ARE RULES! It's a Bad Behavior Epidemic!

A reader recently posted a photo of the Subway Etiquette poster to the right on the TTIV Facebook page. There's a Bad Behavior epidemic out there, and it's harder than Ebola to contain.

The poster looks official, doesn't it? After doing a little research, I found that this is one of a series of Subway Etiquette posters produced by the artist Jay Shells. I hadn't heard of him before, but this project of his has earned my respect. He's on our team. In my view, this position on clipping goes beyond etiquette. It's a RULE, and as you know, THERE ARE RULES!

In an earlier post, I shared my view of several subway RULES. We all can agree on nail clipping, here are a few new ones.

Pole Hogging. Or Hugging. This is the act of leaning on a subway pole during rush hour. When subways are crowded, people stand around the pole and hold it. Courteous riders will hold the pole at levels commensurate with their heights. The tall guys hold the pole high up, leaving the lower pole for the vertically challenged. The Pole Hogger, however, does not care about you, his fellow commuter. The Pole Hogger is a narcissist. The train is crowded, people are looking for a place to stand, and this person pretends not to notice that many people need a spot to stand and hold on.

I am usually up for this passive-aggressive game with the Pole Hogger. First, I make a judgment call as to whether the Pole Hogger is a dangerous jerk or just a regular jerk. If the latter, I will walk right up to said pole, and wrap my hand around it until he moves off the pole. If he doesn't, I shift my hand so he can feel my knuckles. Usually, that sends the message and the offender backs off. But sometimes, he's super passive-aggressive and still won't move. So, there we'll both stand, equally passive-aggressive. Him with knuckles digging into his back, and me with back digging into my knuckles. I guess I'm just as passive-aggressive, but at least I use my powers for good, not evil.



Your music and video games are AWESOME! To YOU only. I
know it is hard to understand, tough to fathom, challenging to grasp, but I don't want to hear your Metallica. I don't want to hear your Vanilla Ice. I don't want to hear your Lawrence Welk. I don't want to hear your Slim Whitman. I also don't want to hear your Candy Crush (I don't want invitations to play the game either, but that's another story), Minecraft, Space Invaders, Tetris, Pac-Man, or Pong. Turn down the sound of your speakers. Or your headphones. Jeez, you're gonna go deaf listening to that. I am officially my father.

Let people off the train before you board. This is a tough one. People are anxious, maybe they've waited and watched three trains go by and haven't been able to get on one. They're gonna push. They're gonna shove. But you know what? When I'm on the train getting off, I'm not thinking about their psychic distress. I'm thinking about exiting the train station. When they block my way, it's a bit like football. We are all well within our rights to drop into a tuck position and gently bash our way like a 260 lb (117.934 kg, for those who prefer metric measures) running back through a boarding throng. But gently.

If these things happen to you, or if you have other RULES you'd like to add to the list, don't get angry when it happens. OK, get angry, but be sure to TELL ME about it, at thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com. You can also post about it on The Train In Vain Facebook page or on Twitter with hashtag #TTIV.

**

Happy and safe commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

The best compliment I can receive is a new follower who was referred by a friend! 

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail" box.  Or, if you're on Facebook, give TheTrainInVain page a "Like."  You can also follow on Twitter.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

October 2, 2014

Hello dave Reminiscing Recursion On The Train

On the train. Short two cars and ridiculously packed.  The kind of commute where you're happy to have a good standing spot. Two guys next to me reminiscing about other times they've been on packed trains. Masochists.