June 27, 2014

Hello dave Armageddon is Coming

Reported in Newsday earlier today: A Long Island Rail Road strike is now more likely than ever, union officials said after a hostile bargaining session with MTA that broke off abruptly in less than two hours.

Both sides should be ashamed of themselves.  Get your sorry asses back to the table and hammer this out.  Stop playing with thousands of livelihoods.

June 26, 2014

Hello dave Yet Another Subway Incident

I witnessed a violent assault this evening on the subway.  I don’t know how this stuff just follows me.  Usually, I witness silly or strange things, but this was different.  And it could have been worse.

I was on the C train, heading up from Chambers Street to Penn Station to catch the LIRR.  This story requires a visual aid.  You may know I am a big fan of crude drawings.  So here is a crude drawing of the scene on the train.


The train was fairly empty, and I was standing by the door.  A man was sitting in the seat next to the door, across from me.  He’s in the diagram labeled, “DERANGED PERSON.”

At the next stop, a guy got on the train, and stood in the doorway across from me.  He’s labeled, “SMART GUY.”  Deranged Person turned to the smart guy and started yelling at him.  “GET THE F*** AWAY FROM ME.  GET THE F*** AWAY FROM ME OR I’LL KILL YOU.”  Smart Guy didn’t need any further prompting.  He knew what he was dealing with.  A deranged lunatic.  He looked at the guy and walked to another spot in the train car.

At the following stop, more people got on.  A guy in his 20s, who I labeled “UNFORTUNATE GUY,” boarded and stood in front of Deranged Person.  He was wearing a tank top and was in very good physical shape.

You can guess what happened next.

Deranged Person looked up at him and screamed the same types of obscenities he’d hollered at the smart guy.  Unfortunate Guy, however, didn't walk away.  He stood his ground.  I don't know what I'd do in that situation.  The train was more crowded now, and the guy SEEMED harmless.  Usually the loud ones are.  Where was Unfortunate Guy going to go?

Deranged Person stood up and grabbed Unfortunate Guy by the throat.  The guy labeled PEACEMAKER, who also happened to be a pretty big man, got right in between them and started yelling at Deranged Person to back off if he didn’t want to get arrested tonight.  Maybe he was a cop.

At the next stop, Peacemaker physically removed Deranged Guy from the train.  We all congratulated Unfortunate Guy for keeping his cool.  That's a lot harder than blowing your stack and escalating the situation.

Deranged Guy was apparently dead serious, and must have had real assault intent, because Unfortunate Guy was bleeding from his neck and his shirt was ripped.  Another passenger gave Unfortunate Guy First Aid, and I got off at the next stop.

What’s the moral of the story?  I have no idea.  Be careful.  Lunatics aren’t worth it.  Don’t let pride get in the way of your safety.  

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

The best compliment I can receive is a new follower who was referred by a friend! 

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June 23, 2014

Hello dave There are RULES! Subway Edition

I've spent a lot of time talking about the Long Island Rail Road, and haven't given nearly enough attention to the NYC subway system.  Therefore, in this post we'll explore some subway rules.  But before we get started, here's a photo of the interior of a typical subway car, for those who do not regularly ride mass transit.


Empty subway car
As you can see from the photo, there is not a lot of room on a subway car.  People will sit, and standers will be back to back, holding onto the straps above the seats.  At certain times of the day, the cars will be very crowded, and it can be unpleasant.  Therefore, following the RULES will make it better for everyone.  You'll be a responsible subway rider.  Your fellow commuters will come up to you, shake your hand, and congratulate you on your fine etiquette.  Some may want to take photos with you.  Be patient, they'll take their pictures and move on.  There is a price to pay for success.

Backpacks.  If you get on a crowded train, and you are wearing a backpack, you take up more space.  If you stand behind me, your backpack will be in my personal space.  Because it is the subway, and no one in his right mind says something aggressive to another rider in a cramped space, I will get your attention with a twitch and be "accidentally" be thrown by the subway car into your backpack until you become so annoyed by me that you remove it.  Sometimes, passive-aggressive is the most effective and safest tactic.

This guy is the only person on the train.  In his mind.

If you're going to perform, don't kick me.  Have you ever been a spectator to the scene in the image below?  It is pretty common on trains outside of rush hour, as that the performers have room to move.  Whenever I see these guys, I always wish I had body armor.  These knuckleheads are dangerous.  They spin, they jump, they do flips, and they are a nuisance.

Someone is going to get up close and personal with his foot 

Steps are for walking. Not sitting.  It's a New York City subway staircase.  It's damn gross.  I don't even like the soles of my shoes touching the steps.  This guy is going to sit on those steps?  AND EAT?  Yuck.  I understand why the guy walking down the steps makes that comment.  Seeing the sitting guy causes the same visceral reaction in me too.

No caption necessary.

Approach the turnstile with a goal in mind.  The photo below is of a set of turnstiles in New York City.  Some people are baffled by them.  A rule of thumb for me is the larger the group approaching the turnstile, the greater the likelihood they will have trouble negotiating it.  If I see three people approaching a turnstile, and one has a camera bag, I know they're tourists and likely to be puzzled.  Avoid, avoid, avoid.

If you're not familiar with the turnstile concept, pay a visit to your local library before your NYC visit and take out a book on turnstiles.  The MetroCard is swiped forward.  The turnstile beeps.  You walk through.  If you're wearing a backpack, you take it off when you get on the train.  

The turnstile, a fairly simple concept


And the last RULE of the day:  If you notice an attractive woman, staring at her intensely is not likely to result in reciprocated feelings.  This may have worked for Lenny and Squiggy, but you will just be a creep if you try this tactic.

Lenny and Squiggy find love
And those are the rules for the day.  I'd give you all a test to ensure you've comprehended the material, but I'm in a rush to catch the A train.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

The best compliment I can receive is a new follower who was referred by a friend! 

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail box."  Or, if you're on Facebook, give TheTrainInVain page a "Like."  You can also follow me on Twitter.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

June 21, 2014

Hello dave LIRR Workers Potential Strike

Long Island Rail Road workers are threatening to walk off the job if they don't get a new contract and a big fat raise. I'd like to see them get jobs in the private sector and try this tactic.

I know little about unions and how railroads operate, but I really wish there was some competition.  Seems to me that most everyone lives lean and a few fat cats get fatter.  

Maybe it's more like the private sector than I thought.

June 19, 2014

June 13, 2014

Hello dave Have a Seat

Today on TheTrainInVain, we're going to talk about train seat maladies.  Every now and then, whether you're on a newer M-7 train, a double-decker, or an older train, you'll come upon seats that are not desirable for your derrière.  Let's look at a few.

To start the conversation, let's set a baseline.  See the image below of a three seater on a newer M-7 train.  This is what a row of train seats is supposed to look like.  The bench in the image is so clean and so inviting.  Therefore, one can only assume that no human has ever sat in it.  If you zoomed out, you'd probably see a velvet rope and a very large mean-looking bouncer with gold chains, an earpiece, and a clipboard standing in front of it.  I'm pretty certain my name would not be on his VIP list.  "Keep moving," he'd say to me.  "You must be in one of the cheap seats."

A pristine row of three train seats
Now for the cheap seats.

The seat with duct tape.  Many people say that duct tape is the greatest invention, its versatility only limited by imagination.  I agree with this and use duct tape for many things, including fixing a hose, sealing an air vent, repairing hot air balloons, silencing the children, etc.

KIDDING!  Please don't send Child Protective Services to my house.  I've only used blue painter's tape on my kids' mouths.  I'm not an animal.

The Long Island Rail Road likes duct tape too.  It seems that every time a seat is ripped, they use duct tape to mummify it.

When the duct tape is first applied, it's all well and good.  You have a nicely repaired seat, and can feel confident to sit down.  However, when duct tape is heated, it gets gross.  What do you think happens when a rear end hits the seat and covers the duct tape?  Those 98.6 degrees covering that duct tape will make the tape slip.  And when it slips, the glue underneath gets exposed.  Dust, grime, food particles, hair, and Lord knows what else sticks to it.  Yuck.  Now you have a train seat that simulates a movie theater floor.

Duct tape on the seat.  Note the grime on the edges.  Gross.

Seats with a drop center.  These are the worst seats of all, because they attack stealthily.  I can't even share a picture, because they look like any other seat.  You don't know you've found a seat with a drop center until you sit.  What happens when you sit down? PLOP.  What the hell happened to this seat?  The seat looked perfectly normal, but now it feels like I'm sitting on one of those soft toilet seats from the 1970s.  Awful.  Can't sit like this for 45 minutes.  Get up and move.

What a train seat with dropped out center feels like

Seats covered entirely by advertisement posters.  This happens a lot, and I don't understand it.  Who had the brilliant idea to take an advertising poster and cover a seat with it?  These posters have the same problem as duct tape; butt heat and slippage.  Gross.  Same problem, just on a grander scale.

A train seat, disguised as an advertisement for a charity event  

Seats with missing cushions.  Every now and then you see a seat like the one in the photo below.  What happened to the cushion?  How did it disappear?  Did someone steal it?  You'd expect this to be an isolated thing.  But no, you see this frequently, particularly on the fold-up seats in the wheelchair accessible areas.  Doesn't that look comfortable?  Maybe I should start carrying a pillow to make the seat usable.

The inner workings of a fold-up train seat

Train seat maladies are just another dimension to consider when boarding during the crush.  One must be aware of oozers, gum crackers, important phone call takers, snorers, and toenail clippers.  On top of all that, one must try to find a comfortable seat.  It's too much pressure!  I'll be standing in the vestibule.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

The best compliment I can receive is a new follower who was referred by a friend! 

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail box."  Or, if you're on Facebook, give TheTrainInVain page a "Like."  You can also follow me on Twitter.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

June 12, 2014

Hello dave Bluetooth Headsets

I don’t really see those obnoxious little Bluetooth earpieces much anymore.  They were always a great leading indicator of who to avoid on the train.

June 11, 2014

Hello dave Thoughtless in Stereo

On the train, suffering in stereo. A lawyer behind me is conducting trillion dollar deals on his phone, and a woman in front of me is detailing relationship problems.

Not in the mood for it, I've asked both to keep it down, and received smiles of appreciation from others. The quiet lasted a minute before their voices crept back up. 

Headphones aren't helping. My best hope for peace is a targeted two-pronged meteor strike.

Hello dave The Serial Yawner

On the train, guy in the seat behind me has been yawning vocally for 20 minutes. It sounds like Herman Munster's laugh. I wish Lily would quiet him down. 

June 6, 2014

June 5, 2014

Hello dave Penn Station Evacuated - Suspicious Package

Just got an advisory email from the LIRR that Penn Station has been evacuated due to a suspicious package.  What a crazy world.  Thanks to the brave men and women of the NYC Police and Fire Departments, for going in when everyone else is going out.

Hello dave Several New RULES

From time to time, my blog posts detail the RULES, both obvious and obscure.  Here are a few new ones.  I hope you find them constructive.  Feel free to share your own.

Escalators host two types of riders, who MUST know their place.  It is perfectly acceptable to be an escalator climber, or to be a stander.  In this great country of ours, we tolerate and embrace differences.  Feel free to stop reading if you want to hum a few bars of "America the Beautiful."  I'll wait.

...

Welcome back.  Now here's the deal.  You want to stand?  Fine.  I don't mind if you want to miss your train.  That's up to you.  Thing is, I don't want to miss mine.  So stand on the right so I can pass on the left.  It is extraordinarily simple, and yet, so many have trouble with this.  A simple "excuse me" is often met with empty stares, or worse, hostility.  If you're on the left, you walk up.  If you're on the right, you stand.  That's the RULE.

Walk with your shoulder tucked and forward.  This is defensive and a survival tactic.  A friend posted on social media recently that he took a nasty shoulder check from someone on the street.  My friend turned and said something to the fellow who pulled a Brandon Prust on him (Rangers are in the Finals, had to work that in), and the person responded with a less than constructive retort. I won't say what it was here on a family blog, but it rhymes with "Chuck knew."

My friend told me that he typically walks with his shoulder forward, but was momentarily distracted during a conversation with a friend.  Too bad, because if my friend had been walking according to the RULE, the other person may have been flattened.  Given that person's disposition, it sounds like a proper tune-up might have done him some good.

If you're gonna put up a sign, use spell check.  See the picture below.  I'm sorry for your appearance too, because you don't appear terribly bright.  How could an entire group of people (it's the MTA, so you know a committee was involved) come up with this sign and not realize they had made a spelling error in the main message of the notice?

If you're going to post a sign, run your copy through spell check.  They teach this in Sign Posting 101.
I'm so glad my fares are paying the salaries of the best and brightest.

Share your RULES if you have some!  I love feedback.



The best compliment I can receive is a new follower who was referred by a friend! 

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail box."  Or, if you're on Facebook, give TheTrainInVain page a "Like."  You can also follow me on Twitter.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

Hello dave Guy Dinging and Whooshing on His MacBook

On the train, guy across on his MacBook, using iMessage to text. Hearing every "ding" of incoming messages, and every "whoosh" of outgoing messages. It must be a very important conversation, because he's banging the keys furiously like he's tenderizing a steak.

June 4, 2014

Hello dave Groovin and Boppin

On the train, there is a young girl heavily bopping to the music in her headphones. I mean, she is moving. She must really like the song.

Oh by the way, she's also holding a half empty iced coffee cup. I THINK there could be a connection. 

June 1, 2014

Hello dave The Ironies Of The Quiet Car

I sat in the quiet car to Manhattan on Friday.  The quiet car is usually pleasant in the morning, given that the majority of riders are veteran commuters.  Calls and electronic noise are at a minimum.  People respect the RULES.

I've noticed that the quiet car has several ironies.  But before I explain what I mean, I need to clarify some things for the non-commuting reader.  The quiet car is always the west-most car.  Since trains go in two directions, the quiet car is the first car on west (NYC) bound trains, and the last car on east (Nassau and Suffolk County) bound trains.

As some of you know, I prefer crude drawings over produced graphics, and I've provided such a visual in the image below.  Note the "Q," for "quiet car," in the west most train on both NYC and Nassau/Suffolk bound trains.  
The quiet car is always the west most car.  

Now we're ready to get ironic.  Don't you think?

Irony #1: In the morning, the quiet car is the first car.  The engineer sits in the first car in a little compartment.  The engineer has official business, as the person in charge of the locomotive.  Central dispatch and conductors communicate with him, via radio.  If you’re sitting near the little compartment, your fellow passengers will be quiet, but his radio will be chatty and usually pretty darned loud.  You will spend your entire commute listening to “CONDUCTOR GO TO CHANNEL 4,” “CONDUCTOR ON 4,” “I hate commuters,” and "try not to crash into any other trains."

Irony #1 makes me think the car's name should be the “Commuters Should Be Quiet But Train Operators are Allowed to Talk Car.”

Irony #2: The engineer needs to let people in the area know that the train is passing through.  He blasts the horn so that drivers, cyclists, pedestrians, departed loved ones in the nearby cemetery, and folks three towns over can know that the train will soon cross a grade.  That horn is on top of the first train car (see the crude drawing above).  Given that the first car is not soundproofed, the horn noise makes its way into the passenger cabin.  It vibrates, too.

So if you take a morning snooze in the quiet car, it will likely be interrupted.  On Long Island, there is a grade crossing every 829 feet.  Your commute will go something like this:

* Sit down
* Read newspaper, nod off….. 
* HOOOONK….  HOOOONKK…. HONK….. HOOOONK….  HOOOONK…. 
* Jolt up, wipe saliva from chin, nod off again
* HOOOONK….  HOOOONKK…. HONK….. HOOOONK….  HOOOONK…. 
* Jolt up, check email, texts, nod off again
* HOOOONK….  HOOOONKK…. HONK….. HOOOONK….  HOOOONK…. 
* Jolt up, give up, write blog post (that's what I do, anyway)

Ironies #1 and #2 make me think the car's name should be called the “Commuters Should be Quiet But Train Operators are Allowed to Talk and the Warning Horn Is Loud Car.”

Irony #3: The quiet car on the train home is the exact opposite of the morning.  There is no official business noise in the last car.  So it's quiet, right?  Maybe.  The evening rush typically has a greater mix of hard core commuters, occasionals, and once-in-a-whiles than the morning rush.  Fewer people realize that THERE ARE RULES !!! People talk, and the righteous shush the sinners.  The sinners get angry and yell at the righteous.

What's the moral?  You need to go in with reasonable expectations, as joining or starting an angry fracas rarely ends happily.  The quiet car is a grand idea but one can't expect miracles.

Ironies #1, #2, and #3 make me think the car's name should be the “Commuters Should be Quiet But Train Operators are Allowed to Talk and the Warning Horn Is Loud and Not Everyone Will Respect the RULES Car.”

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

The best compliment I can receive is a new follower who was referred by a friend! 

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the "Follow By E-Mail box."  Or, if you're on Facebook, give TheTrainInVain page a "Like."  You can also follow me on Twitter.


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