Hello dave Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Today's "TheTrainInVain" blog post comes from Marsh, our Metro-North correspondent. Given the number of edits I made to his last post about the rules of eating on the train, he called me the Anna Wintour of blogging. I take that title very seriously and feel I must live up to it. With that in mind, I present to you Marsh's thoughts on sleeping on the train, with only a few helpful edits from me. 

If I had to come up with a number, I'd say that I have slept with over 4,000 people.

No, I'm not an adult film performer or even a cast member of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians."  But if you calculate two Metro-North trips a day, five days a week for eleven years, with four weeks of yearly vacation baked in, it comes out to 48 weeks x 10 trips per week = 480 trips per year. Over eleven years, that's nearly 5,300 rides. It's a solid bet that I've fallen asleep on 82.9% of them.

I can't pin down the reason why I lie awake, tossing and turning for hours in a king sized bed and yet fall into a coma the second the conductor takes my ticket.  Maybe it's the dull roar of the engine.  Maybe it's that my five-year old doesn't jump onto my seat as we approach 125th Street and kick me in the kidneys.  It could just be that I enjoy sleeping with strangers.

Sleeping with 4,000 fellow commuters is bordering on Wilt Chamberlain territory.  Since we’re in the middle of March Madness, I’ll bring up another impressive Wilt statistic. He played fourteen seasons without fouling out of a game.

Me? I’ve gone eleven years without sleeping through my stop.  Not once have I woken up in Poughkeepsie, Peekskill, or Peoria and been forced to do the “walk of shame” to the other side of the platform to wait for the off peak local to get back home.

So, if you happen to be on the train sitting next to a guy who spontaneously passes out, and whose body starts to drift in your direction with his head coming to a rest on your shoulder… His name is Marsh. And he promises not to drool on your jacket. 

Thanks Marsh.  I had been thinking of getting you an air pillow for your birthday, but it is clear that you don't need one.  Very impressive that you've never slept past your stop.  I, however, have done the walk of shame to the off peak side in a far-flung location.  I will share that story in a future blog post.  - David

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Hello dave You Got Chocolate in My Peanut Butter !!!

On the train Friday evening, I observed two men standing in the vestibule. Man 1 was holding in his hand about 10 clean dress shirts on hangers, fresh from the cleaners, but without plastic covering. Man 2 was drinking a beer in a 16 oz cup, without a lid. 

In an old Reese's Peanut Butter cup commercial, a guy holding chocolate collides with a guy holding peanut butter.  That story had a happy ending, with Donny Most (Happy Days' Ralph Malph) and Robby Benson (who is famous for something) enjoying a special moment.  

I'd bet the story of Man 1 and Man 2 didn't end as happily.

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Hello dave A Tragic Occurrence on NJ Transit

My friend Emily informed me that I'd be remiss in not commenting on the story in the link below. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/26/new-jersey-train-accident_n_5032552.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird+News

Earlier this week, a man leaned over a NJ Transit platform to see if the train was coming. Well, it was. The train hit him, and he paid with his life.  Apparently, the impact was so violent that the man was torn apart. It sounds like a pretty gruesome scene, and my heart goes out to his family. 

The yellow safety line is there for a reason, so stay behind it. Believe me, the train is coming. And if it isn't, someone will announce something over the PA. It isn't worth your life to watch the train enter the station.  

This has been a public service announcement. We now return you to our regularly scheduled observations on odd commuter behavior. 

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Hello dave Finding a Good Seat On the Train: The Xs and Os

Today on “TheTrainInVain,” I’m going to provide some helpful tips to find a good seat when you board your train.   A crudely drawn diagram to serve as a visual aid accompanies each tip.  I could have used a tool like PowerPoint to make the diagrams easier to follow, but I find crudely drawn diagrams more interesting. 

In all drawings, O represents a fellow commuter and X represents you.  Remember that decisions have to be made lightning fast at boarding time, because seats get gobbled up quickly.

Seating Tip #1: Look for the three-seater with a largely proportioned individual on one end.  When you find this seat, grab it quickly.  It is the most coveted seat on the train.  “Why,” you ask? Quite simple.  If you’ll refer to Exhibit A, you’ll understand.  Observe how Red O is oozing into the center seat.  If you, Green X, take the end seat, it is unlikely anyone will want the center seat.  You will commute to your destination with copious arm and leg space.  

Exhibit A: Oozing Guy (O), Takes Up 1.25 Seats

Seating Tip #2: Look for a seat next to a rail-thin woman. You couldn't find the three-seater from Tip #1?  That's fine.  Now look for the two-seater containing a woman whose daily caloric intake matches that of an impoverished rabbit.  See Exhibit B.  You, Green X have lots of room, plus some bonus elbow room, as shown by the arrow.  Red O is up against the window, sleeping, probably dreaming about her next meal, a tic-tac.

Exhibit B: Plenty of Room Next To The Woman Who Could Use a Slice of Pizza

Seating Tip #3: An unused Conductor seat is good, but is sometimes a mirage.   There is a Conductor seat in every car on the Long Island Railroad.  If the Conductor isn't, er, conducting from this car, the seats are usually open.  The seat may appear enticing, but your euphoria at finding such a seat is masking potential peril.  

You'll have a private spot, with a cup holder for your coffee.  You won't hear any phone conversations.  Snoring will be non-existent, unless it's your own.  However, if you’re six feet or taller, you won’t have any leg room.  Apparently, conductors are all built like jockeys and have no need to stretch their legs.  Making matters worse, another commuter may ask to sit next to you.  You could find yourself in the honeymoon suite with an enthusiastically chatty plumber named Bob, who wants to engage you in a conversation about the virtues of steel vs. plastic waste pipe.  

Exhibit C below provides a visual representation of the conductor seat location.  You, Green X, are squashed into the Conductor's seat, away from it all.

Exhibit C: You (X) In the Conductor's Seat

I’ve given the seating tips, now it's up to you. And remember, steel waste pipes are typically used for underground plumbing, while plastic is used for above-ground systems.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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Hello dave Those Keen Honking Reflexes!

Up till now, I've been telling train stories.  I thought it might be interesting to explore the other leg of my commute, the drive to the station.

On my way to the train station this morning, I came to a red light.  Of course, this part of the story should surprise no one.  On Long Island, you come to a red light every 1000 feet, on average.  I believe Nassau and Suffolk counties use more electricity for traffic management than entire developing countries consume in an entire year. But I'm deviating from topic.

The interesting part of the story is that I was standing there, watching the light, waiting for it to change. The light turned green, and as I released the brake and went to press the accelerator, I heard a noise.  "What was the noise," you ask? Slow down!  Everyone is in such a hurry.  I'm going to tell you.

The noise was the sound of the car horn of the vehicle behind me.  I checked my rear view mirror, and realized that the gentleman driving the vehicle was trying to help me by pointing out, courtesy of wildly gesticulating flailing arms, that the light had turned green a nanosecond earlier! Thank you, gentleman with the flailing arms in the vehicle behind me! Thank you!

I proceeded about 500 feet, where I encountered another red light.  Did I tell you about red lights on Long Island? I watched him carefully in my rear view mirror as he spoke animatedly on his phone.  Or, perhaps he was speaking to no one, I can't be certain.  We both made a left turn into the train parking lot, but given that he was in a slight hurry, he burned about 829 miles of rubber off his tires and then turned in a different direction so he could park his car and get to the train. We were both 15 minutes early for the train, but once again, I digress.

I'm thinking that guy might want to switch to decaf.  I'd call him and tell him myself but I need to pay attention.  This red light will turn green any second.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. Well here on the internet, there's an analogous rule. If you read the post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

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Hello dave Blogstalking

It's been about a month since I started this blog, and those of you who signed up for the mailing list (thank you thank you thank you) have been inundated with my thoughts 2-3 times per week.  Not one of you so far has removed your name from the mailing list, and the fact that you're still with me is greatly appreciated.  Of course, for all I know you've set up an e-mail spam rule that drops my messages directly into your trash, but that's ok.  Don't tell me.  Ignorance is bliss.

I have gotten some terrific, interesting feedback.  I'm amazed at how many of you enjoy sharing your own observations about behavior in shared spaces.  Additionally, many people use the hashtag #onthetrain on Twitter and provide their own observations.  I've found my people.

It got me thinking that feedback is important for this blog.  In the one month I've been doing this, many of my posts have been inspired by comments you've made to me along the way.  With that, I've come up with a new term.

New to me anyway.  Every time I Google anything, I find that someone else already thought of it.  Damned Google.

I call this new term, "blogstalking."  And I don't mean, "blogs talking," like a big blog conversation volley.  No, I mean "blog stalking."  Blogstalking is the act of publishing a blog entry and then asking your friends to tell you what they think.  "Don't hold back.  Give me brutal honest feedback."

"Brutal Honest Feedback."  Who doesn't love being asked for that? You're still faced with trying to nicely tell the blogstalker:

1. "Leave me alone," or 
2. "I'm trying to find a diplomatic way to tell you that what you write is garbage."

Well, I'm doing it anyway.  Here's my blogstalk.  Drop me a line at thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com and let me know if my stuff is good, great, boring as hell, pointless, whatever.

I'm Blogstalking.  Humor me.

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Hello dave A Platoon Member's Reconnaissance Miscalculation

One day, I'm on the train heading home.  I'm sitting on the aisle, no one in the middle, and another soldier (aka commuter) is by the window.  I am wearing armor (aka headphones). On the other side of the aisle is a soldier who is also wearing armor, but he's got bombs. 

Or should I say he's dropping bombs, as the hip-hop he's listening to is blaring at deafening levels into his skull.  Even with my shielding armor, I can hear the explosions from his device.  I take cover and dip into my hot popcorn ration. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I feel the look of a fellow soldier, the guy by the window.  He's not staring at me, but he keeps turning my way and I can tell he wants to say something. 

It is looking likely that my trip back to the barracks is going to involve some crossfire, and the terrain may become a battle theater. 

Finally, I decide to let him off the hook. I turn to him and say, "WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, PRIVATE PYLE?" Ok, I actually asked, "is there a problem?" He asks me very nicely, "would you please turn down the music?" I said, "it isn't me." I nod toward the enemy soldier who is blaring Biggie. 

My fellow platoon member apologizes and we both shake our heads in mutual frustration. 

Camaraderie in the trenches.  War is hell.

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Hello dave A Platoon Member's Reconnaissance Miscalculation

One day, I'm on the train heading home.  I'm sitting on the aisle, no one in the middle, and another soldier (aka commuter) is by the window.  I am wearing armor (aka headphones). On the other side of the aisle is a soldier who is also wearing armor, but he's got bombs. 

Or should I say he's dropping bombs, as the hip-hop he's listening to is blaring at deafening levels into his skull.  Even with my shielding armor, I can hear the explosions from his device.  I take cover and dip into my hot popcorn ration. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I feel the look of a fellow soldier, the guy by the window.  He's not staring at me, but he keeps turning my way and I can tell he wants to say something. 

It is looking likely that my trip back to the barracks is going to involve some crossfire, and the terrain may become a battle theater. 

Finally, I decide to let him off the hook. I turn to him and say, "WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, PRIVATE PYLE?" Ok, I actually asked, "is there a problem?" He asks me very nicely, "would you please turn down the music?" I said, "it isn't me." I nod toward the enemy soldier who is blaring Biggie. 

My fellow platoon member apologizes and we both shake our heads in mutual frustration. 

Camaraderie in the trenches.  War is hell.

 If you're enjoying my blog, would you please click the Facebook Like button on the blog website?  It can be found on the right side of your screen or at the bottom if you're on a mobile device.  Thank you for your support!  

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Hello dave Vapor Trails

On the train, there is a guy a few seats away who is "vaping."  There is no odor at all, no real impact on me, and yet I find it oddly disturbing. Should I?

People around me have the same confused look. 

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Hello dave Vapor Trails

On the train, there is a guy a few seats away who is "vaping."  There is no odor at all, no real impact on me, and yet I find it oddly disturbing. Should I?

People around me have the same confused look. 

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Hello dave Interesting Characters, Continued

In a recent blog post, I identified three interesting characters I've encountered on the train: Six Pack Guy, End It All Guy, and Footloose and Fancy Free Gal.  I suggested that if I could come up with nine more, I might be able to publish an "Interesting Characters" pin-up calendar.  

Those aforementioned three will make up the first calendar quarter, or the winter month characters.  Now, with spring upon us, the timing couldn't be better to identify the second quarter characters.  

Meet the "Train Characters of the Second Quarter!"

Before we jump in, I want to point out that I received some feedback on the earlier post.  I was told that my description of End-It-All-Guy was callous.  I appreciate any and all comments, and want to make things right.  I freely admit I was wrong and have taken a reverse position. End-It-All-Guy is welcome to camp out on the tracks anytime he wants.  Especially during peak commuting hours.

Now that I've redeemed myself, I can make room for new offenses.  Particularly with April's character.

April: Medical Emergency Guy.  Have you ever sat on a stopped train, wondering why you're not going anywhere?  And then several minutes into the stoppage, someone announces that the train is going out of service, or will be further delayed because of an ill passenger? Well, here comes another callous remark. Let the passenger off onto the nearest platform.  Have someone wait with him until an ambulance arrives, and let the other 999 people get to their destinations. I'd expect to be treated this way if I were the sick passenger.  As Mr. Spock said at the end of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan, "the needs of the many.... outweigh the needs of the few... or the one."

I'm sure I'll get some reactions from people explaining why their particular experiences warrant the train stopping for all 1,000 on board.  To those people: You are right, and your situation is most definitely an exception to the rule.

May: Slither Around Everyone Waiting For Doors To Open Guy. This guy is a bona fide weasel.  He even looks like a weasel.  Picture a group of people standing in blobs around the expected spots where the train doors open.  When the train stops, this guy manages to slither past everyone who is patiently waiting and gets on first. Sometimes, someone says something nasty to Slither Guy. But more often than not, no one does, which only enables and encourages him to do it again.  We all secretly envy Slither Guy.

June: Vicious Newspaper Consumption Guy.  While the rest of us read quietly, snooze, stare out the window, or conduct billion dollar deals on our mobile phones, this guy inhales all the news that's fit to print with unparalleled voracity. He's got the Wall Street Journal and/or the New York Times, and he is going to take in everything, so help him. The paper's up!  It's folded over! READ NOW! FFFFLLPPPTTTTTT! Turn to the next page! Wait, it's nothing but advertisements?  FFFFLLPPPTTTTTT! To the next page. Oh the Knicks lost again? Figures. FFFFLLPPPTTTTTT! Derek Jeter is retiring? What a career he's had!  FFFFLLPPPTTTTTT! You get the point. And so does everyone within a 10 seat radius.

My next step is to think about the next three months of characters.  I'm optimistic that I'll be able to come up with them.  After all, hope springs eternal.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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Hello dave A Nutritious Commuting Breakfast

I'm sitting on the train, across from a man in his 70s. He is eating a bag of peanut M and Ms. It is 7:30 AM. 

I'd like to think that has something to do with a diabetes sugar regimen. I hope he's not alone with no one to help him eat right.

Or, maybe he's got an attitude of "I'm in my 70s, and I'll eat peanut M and Ms for breakfast if I damned well feel like it."

I like the last explanation best.  

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.  May you also live to an age where you eat candy for breakfast without an ounce of guilt.

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Hello dave A New Commuting Rule - BYOVS

I've identified a new commuting rule: Cigars are only allowed on board if you travel with a functioning ventilation system.

Uh, what?

This morning I arrived and boarded my usual train on the early side.  I'm able to do this because the train originates from my station.  The train doors open about 10-15 minutes before departure, which saves me from various hassles:

• Waiting on the platform for a train to arrive in bad weather
• Jockeying for door position when the train stops 
• Standing because all seats are taken

I entered a car that was curiously empty, and I immediately figured out why.  The train car smelled strongly of stale cigar smoke.  It occurred to me that a couple of guys probably went out for happy hour the night before - just a drink or two, which turned into a drink or ten, followed by dinner, followed by more drinks, followed by... well, this is a family-friendly blog so I'll stop there.  This train probably was used for a 5 AM run from Penn Station, after the party broke up.  I guess one last hurrah was a cigar for the ride home.

So there you have it.  A new commuting rule.   BYOVS (Bring Your Own Ventilation System).

Oh yeah, and be nice to the conductors.  Must have been fun to work the midnight shift and come upon these guys.  Then again, maybe it was a conductors' party.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense. 

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Hello dave A Little Perspective

My thoughts are with the people impacted by the Harlem disaster earlier today.  I'm sure the thousands of Metro-North commuters who dealt with multi-hour journeys recognize how lucky they are to be alive. I wish there was more to say. 

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Hello dave Interesting Characters

Interesting characters are everywhere in the commuting world.  Today's blog post is about three who I call Six Pack Guy, End It All Guy, and Footloose and Fancy Free Gal.   As soon as I can identify nine more, I'll put together and market a pin-up calendar.

Six Pack Guy (This has nothing to do with his abs, ladies)

From a town, known as Oyster Bay, Long Island
Rode a boy, with a six-pack in his hand

-- Billy Joel, The Ballad of Billy the Kid

Like many, I enjoy a beer or a scotch to unwind on the commute home.  I look forward to it on Fridays after the week is done.

But, there are always those who go overboard.  Like the guy who gets on the train with a six-pack.  For himself.  I'm fascinated by this guy. Over the course of a one hour train ride, I hear the *sploit* of each can of some garbage beer opening and watch him empty it.  This guy must have a bladder the size of a contractor garbage bag, because he never gets up to use the lav. I'd wear a path to the lav with this kind of intake.

Now on a more serious and responsible note, this behavior is likely indicative of alcoholism, and I hope these types get the help they need before they get into serious trouble.  Or worse, drive home from the train station and kill someone.

End It All Guy

Yes I'm lonely
Wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Girl you know the reason why

-- The Beatles, Yer Blues

The End-It-All Guy.  He's the guy who screws up my commute by jumping in front of a train just before rush hour.  Those of you who know me on Facebook know that my suggested mantra for these types is "I will take pills and booze, I will take pills and booze."  Given that he INSISTS on killing himself on the rails, it would be nice if he'd check the schedule for an off-peak train.

Footloose and Fancy Free Gal

You better listen, better do what you're told
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold
So eat it

-- Weird Al Yankovic, Eat It

She exists.  I saw the video.  I didn't see her on MY train, but my friend Brett made me aware of her.  And I'm scared.

What am I talking about?  Before I explain, consider this.  On the train, there are groomers.  Sometimes a man combs his hair.  Sometimes a woman will apply makeup. Sometimes, a man will evacuate the contents of his nostril using a digit.  Sometimes multiple digits.  Sometimes multiple nostrils.  Sometimes a man will use a nail clipper to clip a nail.  Or ten.  Or twenty.

And sometimes, the dead skin of the foot becomes a meal. Yes, a meal.

Brett sent me a video of a woman, on a commuter train, reading a book.  As she's reading, she is absentmindedly picking the dead skin of her foot.  Upon successful removal of the skin, she... EATS IT.  You and I may be disgusted, but think about it for a minute.  She doesn't need to cook a meal for herself when she gets home!  Maybe she's onto something.  She can claim she eats organic.  Can you?

I won't put the video here, but if you want to see it, send me an email to thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com.

Let me know if you've witnessed interesting characters.  If we can come up with nine more interesting characters, the calendar can become a reality, instead of just a May-December romance.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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Hello dave Time For Some Q & A

It has come to my attention that despite presenting several installments of the RULES, there will inevitably be questions surrounding specific train behaviors.  In this blog post, we explore some frequently asked questions about train etiquette.  I think the Long Island Railroad should officially publish something this informative.



Q. Can I hide in the lavatory to avoid paying a fare?

A. The conductors know this trick.  They knock until you sheepishly open the door, and you will look foolish.  I've seen people come out of the lav, with no cash on hand, and get kicked off the train at the next stop.  So, it might work for you if you don't plan to travel far.  The answer to this question depends on your tolerance for embarrassment.

Q. Is it acceptable to get angry at the conductor when he tells me the fare will be an extra $4 because I didn't buy my ticket before boarding?

A. No. You should know this.  They announce it so frequently that I can recite the exact verbiage certain conductors use. Stop complaining and cough up the $4 so I can get back to being disgusted by the guy three rows away who is clipping his toenails.

Q.  Is it ok to have a short phone conversation in the quiet car?

A.  Absolutely! Without a doubt!  Give it a shot and see what happens.  The quiet car is a self-policing environment but the passengers are super-friendly and certainly willing to make exceptions.

Q. Can I read on the train?

A. Yes, you can read on the train, provided you aren't distracted by a group of six holding "Wicked" Playbills in their laps.  You can expect a dissection of the performance on which everyone in the car will be riveted.

Q. Where on the train can I purchase a nutritious treat?

A.  Snacks aren't served on the train, nor are any other meals.  Please refer to my earlier blog post, which provides helpful guidance on this topic.

Q. Is it acceptable to sit in the middle seat?

A.  Yes, it is perfectly acceptable, provided you don't mind being bookended by people who are very angry with you.

Q. Is it permissible to bring a bass or viola on the train?

A. Those who bring large musical instruments in cases are welcomed on the train.  You'll be given beautiful seats on the top level of the train car, and you'll travel in style with the wind in your hair.  Just duck when you get to the low overpasses.

I hope this FAQ is helpful and constructive for you.  Remember, you have 1,000 educated commuters at your disposal if you have any questions.  Unless you're in the quiet car, in which case you're on your own.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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Hello dave Zombie Apocalypse at Penn Station

Now that we've kicked this blog off, I think it's important to give the infrequent riders and non-commuting readers a visual understanding of the Penn Station terminal and the daily grind. Penn Station offers three services - Long Island Railroad, New Jersey Transit, and Amtrak.  To get a feel for what Penn Station is like on the LIRR side, picture an open space with some high but mostly low ceilings, shops selling mostly garbage, and a sitting area.  In total, it can comfortably fit maybe 2,000* people.  Now, imagine that space with 15,000 people*. You've just visualized the LIRR terminal at Penn.

* I made these numbers up.  But they feel right.

If you still can't visualize it, here's the main LIRR waiting area, when nobody is there.  This happens once a year on a Tuesday at 4:29 AM.

Here is the LIRR waiting area, on an unusually crowded day.  But the photo isn't far from daily reality.

Now, let's talk about the behavior of those 15,000 people who are there at any given time, mulling about and filling the space that can safely handle about 2,000.   Think of them as a room full of zombies.  They're fluttering aimlessly. Muttering to themselves, muttering to no one in particular, staring at mobile devices, staring up at the departure board with wild-eyed abandon.

Then, a track announcement comes over the PA.  "6:08 train to Huntington departing on Track 18."  BAM! 500 slack-jawed zombies at once make a break for Track 18, all moaning "TRAAAAAAINS!  TRAAAAAAAINS!" as they lose eyeballs, limbs, and other appendages from their undead corpses.  Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little.  They're not really losing any other appendages.

As the undead run for the train, which mind you won't leave most likely for another 10 minutes, they do not care if they knock over suitcases, hot dog stands, flower vendor kiosks, small children in strollers, or other people.  They must get the BEST seat, presumably, because there will be a fresh brain there for them to eat.

As a veteran commuter, you get to know tricks to avoid the zombie apocalypse.

The savvy commuter gets to know the typical tracks his trains leave on, and descends to the platform BEFORE the announcement.  This allows him to avoid the flesh-eating monsters.  Sometimes, there will be a track change, but it's worth the hassle of changing tracks now and then to avoid the crush.

I'll share more tricks in later posts.  In the meantime, remember when commuting to use your BRAINS.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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Hello dave Zombie Apocalypse at Penn Station

Now that we've kicked this blog off, I think it's important to give the infrequent riders and non-commuting readers a visual understanding of the Penn Station terminal and the daily grind. Penn Station offers three services - Long Island Railroad, New Jersey Transit, and Amtrak.  To get a feel for what Penn Station is like on the LIRR side, picture an open space with some high but mostly low ceilings, shops selling mostly garbage, and a sitting area.  In total, it can comfortably fit maybe 2,000* people.  Now, imagine that space with 15,000 people*. You've just visualized the LIRR terminal at Penn.

* I made these numbers up.  But they feel right.

If you still can't visualize it, here's the main LIRR waiting area, when nobody is there.  This happens once a year on a Tuesday at 4:29 AM.

Here is the LIRR waiting area, on an unusually crowded day.  But the photo isn't far from daily reality.

Now, let's talk about the behavior of those 15,000 people who are there at any given time, mulling about and filling the space that can safely handle about 2,000.   Think of them as a room full of zombies.  They're fluttering aimlessly. Muttering to themselves, muttering to no one in particular, staring at mobile devices, staring up at the departure board with wild-eyed abandon.

Then, a track announcement comes over the PA.  "6:08 train to Huntington departing on Track 18."  BAM! 500 slack-jawed zombies at once make a break for Track 18, all moaning "TRAAAAAAINS!  TRAAAAAAAINS!" as they lose eyeballs, limbs, and other appendages from their undead corpses.  Ok, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little.  They're not really losing any other appendages.

As the undead run for the train, which mind you won't leave most likely for another 10 minutes, they do not care if they knock over suitcases, hot dog stands, flower vendor kiosks, small children in strollers, or other people.  They must get the BEST seat, presumably, because there will be a fresh brain there for them to eat.

As a veteran commuter, you get to know tricks to avoid the zombie apocalypse.

The savvy commuter gets to know the typical tracks his trains leave on, and descends to the platform BEFORE the announcement.  This allows him to avoid the flesh-eating monsters.  Sometimes, there will be a track change, but it's worth the hassle of changing tracks now and then to avoid the crush.

I'll share more tricks in later posts.  In the meantime, remember when commuting to user your BRAINS.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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Hello dave There Are Rules !!!! Some Thoughts From Our Metro-North Observer

As I mentioned in a recent blog post, THERE ARE RULES! Our Metro-North Observer (aka my good friend Marsh), was kind enough to share some helpful thinking and guidelines around eating on the train.  You may read the below points and think, "Common Sense."  But, as any seasoned train commuter knows, common sense is often left behind on the platform when boarding the train.  If we truly are what we eat, then it stands to reason that many of our fellow riders have been going for seconds and thirds at the "Clueless Commuter" buffet table. Commuter trains don't have dining cars.  They are commuter trains. They get you from A to B.  In this mathematical reference, A does not equal "Appetizer," and B does not equal "Bread Pudding."

The seats on commuter trains are REALLY close together. They don't have fold-up tray tables.  There aren't any napkin dispensers. There is no waiter service. There is most definitely a bill (gratuities optional).  These are pretty good clues that the train is not the ideal place for a meal.

Now with this in mind, sometimes you get hungry and you're in a hurry. You have to eat, right?  So fine.  Just remember the following RULES.

No Soup For You.  Let's see.  Hot liquid near my lap in a vehicle prone to sudden stops and jerks. What could possibly go wrong?

Cutlery is strictly prohibited.  Are you going to try to eat from that styrofoam container in your lap?  Using a plastic knife and fork?  Are you actually going to attempt to eat chicken cordon bleu with asparagus spears and baked potato on a moving train? Not only are you guaranteeing a trip to the cleaners, but you're going to make a mess in my space.  And possibly choke.  I'll have headphones on with my eyes closed, so I won't notice.  You'll have to perform the Heimlich maneuver on yourself.

A plain bagel is fine.  An onion bagel is not fine. Tuna and whitefish on an onion bagel should result in a $500 fine.

So, eat in your car, on a park bench, at the deli counter, or, here's something radical: at home!

With many thanks to Marsh, for helping to provide constructive guidance to the commuting public, and for accepting the fact that I've edited his thoughts to be a bit more, um, family friendly.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter people with uncommon sense.

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Hello dave Very Special Blog Post: A Cautionary Tale

We interrupt our regular programming today to offer a cautionary tale.  Earlier today, my wife and daughter were in the local supermarket shopping center, loading groceries into the car.  Suddenly, they heard a commotion.  They looked over to the store entrance, where a man in his mid-forties was literally screaming at an elderly man and his wife, presumably over a minor fender bender.

The argument continued for a few moments, and the younger man punched the older man in the head.  His glasses went flying.  The younger man then obliviously went into the store as though nothing had happened.  Needless to say, those who witnessed what happened were shocked.  My wife called the grocery store, and was told that Security had already been called.  The older man and his wife collected themselves, got in their car, and drove away.  I wish they had stayed for the arrival of the Police, so that the thug could be identified and arrested.

I can't see what could possibly precipitate such an ugly and violent reaction, but whatever transpired should never have resulted in such behavior.  I hope the younger man is arrested and spends a little time in the cooler with large tattooed men who don't like bullies.

So why am I telling this story on a blog where the goal is to note objectionable behavior on public transportation and other shared spaces?  It's because I want to caution you about who you choose to confront.  A person may be on the train having a loud mobile phone conversation, but if you decide to say something, you may find yourself in an unpleasant situation with a hothead.

As I've mentioned in earlier posts, headphones, headphones, headphones!  Keep your cool, and write to me instead.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter people with uncommon sense.

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