April 30, 2014

Hello dave My Recurring Dream, As Rejected By Newsday

Here’s a train story that’s sort of a train story.  It actually reads more like a “Wonder Years” episode, but I like it and thought I'd share.  Newsday rejected it, but I hope you enjoy it.

I am a baseball fan.  Love everything about the game.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I don't like Alex Rodriguez, never did.  I don't like huge multi-year contracts, because the players always crumble long before the deals expire.  I don't like the DH, because I believe each position player is supposed to take his hacks.  I’m not sure about instant replay, so I won’t comment on that.  But other than those things, I love everything about the game.

As a kid, I was a huge Yankee fan.  My Dad would sometimes take me to night games.  We'd get to Yankee Stadium early, so we could go down to the seats near the field and watch batting practice.  We'd call out to our favorite players, and sometimes get their autographs.  I yelled to pretty much every player.  I even yelled to the bat boys.  If opposing team players were on the field, I'd yell to them, too.  In those years I knew all their names.

One time at the ballpark with my Dad, I was calling out to players from the stands.  "Goose! Goose!  Throw me a ball!" I screamed to Rich "Goose" Gossage, the Yankees' star relief pitcher.  Most of the time, the players ignored us, but somehow I caught Goose's attention.

He turned and looked at me.  He showed me a ball and tossed it underhanded toward me.  I was star struck.  The ball bounced off my chest as I stood there in disbelief that he threw me a ball.  Someone else got the ball, and I got this story.

Frankly, if that's my worst regret in life, I've done pretty well for myself.  But it is one of those childhood things that I'll never forget.

This story has been the subject of a recurring dream for me.  Some people have nightmares that they aren't prepared for an exam.  Some have nightmares that they go to class in their underwear.  Me? I dream about almost catching a ball at a baseball game.  To this day, I've never caught a foul ball.  Catching a ball is a bucket list item for me.  When it finally happens, I think the dreams will stop.

Here’s the train part.

The other day, I fell asleep on the train heading into NY.  And there was the dream.  I was standing on a big league field, and saw Wade Boggs, who played mostly for the Red Sox but came to the Yankees in the mid-90s and had a few good years.  I called out, "Boggs! throw me a ball!"  He rolled the ball to me, and it rolled short.  My feet were planted on the ground and would not move to go get the ball.  Not again! Before I could call back to him to throw it to me again, I was woken up by "We are now arriving at Penn Station, please take all of your belongings when exiting the train."

I'll get that ball.  One day, I'll get that ball Goose threw to me.  I was meant to have it.  And it will happen before my train reaches its final destination.

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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

April 29, 2014

Hello dave Mr. Whipple Wants Two Seats. Sorry, Pal.

On the train, found a two-seater containing a man in the aisle seat and an empty seat next to the window. I say, "excuse me," and the guy gives me a nasty look. I continue to make eye contact with him and finally he gets up. One seat per person, JACK. You don't get to stare me down because you want two seats. 

By the way, he looked like Mr. Whipple from those Charmin commercials of the 70s. That made his indignation even more amusing to me. 

Hello dave Mr. Whipple Wants Two Seats. Sorry, Pal.

On the train, found a two-seater containing a man in the aisle seat and an empty seat next to the window. I say, "excuse me," and the guy gives me a nasty look. I continue to make eye contact with him and finally he gets up. One seat per person, JACK. You don't get to stare me down because you want two seats. 

By the way, he looked like Mr. Whipple from those Charmin commercials of the 70s. That made his indignation even more amusing to me. 

April 27, 2014

Hello dave Is It The Quiet Car Or The Silent Car?

Today’s TheTrainInVain blog post comes from Marsh, our Metro-North correspondent.  What started as a post about the quiet car turned into a debate between us.  Once again, Marsh called me the Anna Wintour of blogging.  I wear that title with honor.

On October 17, 2011, the MTA launched a new program on Metro-North rush hour trains where one car would be set aside as a “quiet car.” It would be an environment free of cell phones, loud conversations, beeps, and buzzes.  The LIRR soon rolled out the same program.

I planned to tell a story of how I was unnecessarily “shushed” on the quiet car by a woman who possessed bionic hearing or had an object lodged in an unfortunate place.  

I had run into an old friend at Grand Central who I hadn’t seen for many years.  It turned out we were getting on the same train.  By the time we boarded and sat down, we were wrapping up our conversation. The woman, several rows away, admonished us for talking in the quiet car by uttering a loud “shush.”  We were not loud, by any measure.

When Dave read the details of the events leading up to the “shushing,” he not only disagreed with my point of view, it seemed he felt I should have been kicked off the train, put on trial, and sentenced to five years of hard labor in Leavenworth Federal Prison for my actions.

So, instead of ending our 30-year friendship or (more importantly) stepping down as the Metro-North correspondent for this blog, I suggested we debate the merits of the Quiet car and how, or if, common courtesy can be effectively enforced.

Marsh: So Dave. Am I really worse than Hitler for talking to my friend who was sitting across from me?

Dave: Oh come on now, Marsh.  How could you be worse that Hitler?  That would be an exaggeration.  You’re much more like Stalin.

While the letter of the quiet car rule suggests minimal conversation is allowed, the spirit of the rule is subject to interpretation.  Judging from interactions I’ve witnessed in the quiet car, I’ve found that most people want just that.  Quiet.  In my view, the spirit of the rule is that all in-person conversations, mobile phone rambling, nail clipping, etc. should be taken to another car.  

You sat in the quiet car and talked. I’m afraid that puts you on par with a lunatic who used Communist imagery to advance his Fascist agenda.

Marsh: Thanks Comrade, for the opportunity to plead my case.  Nobody abhors idle chitchat more than me.  If I were truly at fault, I’d own up to it. This conversation was nearly done as we sat down. The car was practically empty. The train hadn’t left the station. She was sitting a good five rows away. Her “shush” was louder than my voice.  Her reaction was akin to a police officer pulling me over for driving 58 MPH in a 55 zone.  

Dave: While the train is in the station awaiting departure time, people are in a state of high anxiety.  It is "jockeying" time.  They board, seek the right seat, in the right car, near or away from various types.  They try to avoid swinging suitcases and people stepping on their feet.  Quiet car denizens are looking out for violators.  You were a violator. 

Yes, you were going 58 in a 55, but it was the last day of the month and the police officer was desperate to make quota.  You pressed that woman's panic button.

Marsh: What if I had an allergic reaction to this woman’s perfume and I had to sneeze? Who would be at fault? Now, if it were up to me, all conversations on the train (quiet car or otherwise) would not exceed 15 seconds, regardless of volume.  That is, unless the subject matter is REALLY interesting. I admit, though, there are flaws in that rule and there could be interpretation problems.

Did you know that conductors carry “Shhh” cards? They’re supposed to hand them out to violators. I’ve never seen one used. I wonder if it’s like soccer, where the ref takes out the card and writes in his little notepad. If there were a conductor in my car during my incident, he/she would have given a card to the woman for “flopping.”

Dave: Now hold on a minute, Comrade Marshkov.  There's a bit of waffling here.  On one hand, you want to have a quiet conversation, but on the other hand, it should be 15 seconds or less?  Are you telling me that you were shushed over a 15 second conversation?   Even a high anxiety shusher would wait a little longer than that.  Are you dictating rules as they suit you? There's that Stalin tendency again.

I've heard about the "Shhh" cards.  I've never seen a conductor use one.  Moreover, I've never seen a conductor get involved in a shush session.

Marsh: This woman was absolutely an “impatient shusher.” I didn’t get ten words out of my mouth before she sprung into action. She was drunk with perceived power, like Bobby Brady when he wore that safety monitor armband. I’m now convinced more than ever of my innocence.  VICTORY IS MINE!

Bobby Brady, with SHHH monitor armband
The quiet car program was deployed due to complaints about mobile phone abuse, and I applaud it.  A person is 82.9 percent more likely to be louder on a mobile phone than in person. I hate phones.  That said, it’s impossible to have a truly quiet car. Trains are noisy. They have engines, whistles, and over-modulated announcements booming from the loudspeakers.  So how about if from now on, I promise to channel Teddy Roosevelt instead of Stalin?  I will speak softly and carry a big stick to whack impatient shushers.

Dave: You may not be able to have a completely quiet car, but you can have quiet humans in the car.  How about we compromise? The rule should be, “Don't speak at all, carry a big stick, and you get to whack impatient shushers and others who speak, sneeze, cough, snore, sigh, or moan.”  Deal?

Marsh: Deal.

Dave: Looks like we have a proposal to write to the MTA.

Thanks Marsh, for your contribution.  And once again, for tolerating my Anna Wintour tendencies.

Facebook:  www.facebook.com/thetraininvain (share the link, share the love!)
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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

April 23, 2014

Hello dave And the wind... cried... SHHH!

I am in the quiet car this morning. Somewhere there is a broken window and the wind is making a howling noise.

The quiet car is intense. People like silence. I expect someone to SHHHH the window any minute.

April 22, 2014

Hello dave Another Fare Evasion Story

A colleague of mine told me about a fare evasion scenario he witnessed on NJ Transit, and I’d like to share it with you.  I will not use his real name, as I want him to avoid the wrath I faced about insensitivity to those without train fare.  I will call him, “Yahska.”

Before I get into details, I will say that if someone cannot afford a train ticket, what I’m about to describe would not be a scam.  No, Sir.  It would be a “survival tactic,” and we should all forgive a person who does it. This is the new, kinder and gentler TheTrainInVain blog.  We’re all about rainbows, unicorns, and kumbaya.

Now for the story.

Wait.  Before I get to the story, I need to explain something to the non-commuting readers.  Conductors manage commuter trains, particularly those that run with frequent stops, using “seat check cards.”  See the picture below. 

A seat check card, as used on Metro-North.  All the major railroads use them.
Conductors place these seat check cards in a slot near a row of seats.  They punch holes in them to indicate who in the row paid a fare.  At each stop, people get on and off.  The conductor then uses a combination of face recognition and the punched cards to determine who needs to pay a fare.  It’s not a perfect system, but it works.

Conductors use different colored seat check cards and different shaped hole punches each day.  See example of different holes in the picture below.

Holes on a ticket, made by various hole punchers
So now, the story.  Yahska was on the train one morning.  Several stops after he got on, a man boarded and sat down in an empty row.  He pulled a punched seat card out of his pocket, and put it in the slot in front of him.  When the conductor came by, he saw the punched card, and kept going.  The man didn’t have to pay a fare.

How did this man know the punch style and card color of the day? Could he have been an insider who was tipped off?  Maybe.  But if not, that is one gutsy scam.  The conductor could have been using any colored card or hole punch type. Perhaps this man cracked the NJ Transit card and hole punch system methodology.  If so, why is he wasting his talent on the small time?  He should go work for the US Government and intercept enemy encrypted messages.  Think about it.  A guy who just wants to go from Edison, NJ to NYC without paying for the trip could potentially prop up our national security.

Yahska told me he would have liked to see the man called out for theft of services.  But, he also made clear that if the man was down on his luck, his perspective would have changed by 180 degrees to forgiveness.  After sharing his story with me, Yahska rode away on his unicorn, toward a rainbow, singing kumbaya.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy

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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, would you give the blog a Facebook "Like?" It's here on the page, you'll find it at the bottom of the screen.  Thanks!

April 21, 2014

Hello dave Angry Feedback Catches Me Off Guard

I was pretty darned excited about having a story published in Newsday.  I felt like this hobby of mine might get some publicity.  People would learn of the blog, join and share their own experiences, and we’d all live happily ever after.  Well, I did get some positive feedback and high-fives, as well as some new followers, but did I ever get some wallops.  Some Newsday readers took offense and interpreted the piece as being insensitive to a person who may have been hurting financially. 

The man was in his late 20s or early 30s, and well dressed.  His shoes were polished.  Of course, I don’t know his financial situation.  But, if I thought he was in need, the essay would have been inappropriate and I wouldn’t have written it.  With that said, I stand by the story.  In my view, he was simply a fare cheat.

So now that we’ve established that I’m a cruel person with no regard for those less fortunate than me, here are some choice negative feedback highlights.  All names are changed to protect me from those who might still be angry.

You’re an unhappy person with a miserable life, and your blog is doomed to fail.  Mr. E asked who I thought I was to pass judgment.  He said that I’m probably one of those Long Islanders who moves next to a school and complains about the noise and traffic, which would be a great topic for my next failed blog.  Thanks to Mr. E for that highly constructive criticism.  I have to say that I am strangely honored by the vitriol.  I really got under this person’s skin.  Does that take any talent? 

I’m not going to respond to Mr. E.  Some others responded to him in a most humorous way and I have nothing else to add.  Responses included, “You need a hug.”  “You need to cut back on the coffee.”  And, “If you don’t like it, don’t read it.”

Your complete lack of compassion left me wanting to wash.  Nice!  Mr. L went on to say that it is a FACT that I’m insensitive and lack a modicum of compassion, and that I’m a liar.  Mr. L went on to point out that I’m a novice writer.  What can I say, Mr. L?  You’re entitled to your opinion.  I’m very sorry I made you feel unclean.  Go have a bath.

Any feedback is good feedback, so I’ll take it all.  Thanks Mr. E and Mr. L and all the others who were offended by the story.  Happy commuting, and may you always have the resources to never have to hide in the lavatory to avoid paying a fare.  And may you encounter uncommon sense.

Twitter: @davidrtrainguy

Sign up for the blog mailing list by entering your email address in the box that says "Follow By E-Mail."

Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, would you give the blog a Facebook "Like?" It's here on the page, you'll find it at the bottom of the screen.  Thanks!

April 18, 2014

April 16, 2014

Hello dave I Scam, You Scam, We All Scam

Train scams are top of mind for me lately.  You may have seen my post about the man who hid in the lavatory to avoid paying his fare.  There have been stories in the news lately about people using credit card skimming devices on ticket vending machines to steal your money.  What a wonderful world.

This has me thinking about how scamming is just a fact of life.  People try to beat fares, and the commuter rail organizations want to extract your money.  The LIRR is quite good at it, but they don't call their methods "scams."  They call them "policies."  Let's look at a few.

You don't want your ticket?  Of course you can have a refund.  Minus $10.  If you buy a ticket, don't use it, and want to return it, the LIRR will charge you a $10 processing fee. "Processing Fee" is a nice way of saying "we take $10 because we can.  And you can't do anything about it.  Ha Ha.  Ha Ha. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.  HA."  

What possible reason could they have for charging $10?  What are they doing with that $10?  Maybe they're improving customer service.  Mmm, no.  Calling the LIRR is about as pleasant as calling the DMV.  Maybe they're hiring people to clean the trains more frequently?  Nuh uh.  Oh I know! Pension scams!  Those scams aren't going to just fund themselves.  We all have to play our part.

You are going to use the ticket you just bought?  Hurry!  It's about to expire! Take a look at the picture below.  It's a ticket that was purchased on April 4th.  When does it expire?  June 2nd.  You have less than two months to use the ticket.  You used to be able to keep it for a year.  If you don't use the ticket by June 2nd, POOF!  The ticket is no longer good.  Thieves.

A round trip ticket.  Tick tock.
You forgot your monthly pass?  Aw, shucks.  So sorry, we know, it happens.  Go buy a ticket. The LIRR doesn't let you slide when you've forgotten your monthly ticket.  There was a time when they did forgive it, but not anymore.  They can't. Why?  Why not?  They're a monopoly, gosh darn it, and they're going to act like one.  You just landed on Boardwalk, and they have several hotels there.

Can you imagine treating your regular customers like this in a private business?  You'd have no customers.  You'd stand in your place of business, whether it be a store, a warehouse, or a corner where you sell blankets full of fake Louis Vuitton bags and iPhone cases, wondering why no one wants your goods and services.  The Long Island Rail Road doesn't have to worry about this, because they are propped up by various governments, and their customers have few other commuting choices.  Too bad.  Seems like any operation propped up by the government becomes a model of southern efficiency and northern charm.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Facebook:  www.facebook.com/thetraininvain (share the link, share the love!)
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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

April 14, 2014

Hello dave Rush Home Early Days On The Train

It's the first night of Passover, which means a mad crush to the commuter rails for "Rush Ahoma."  If you're leaving early to try to make it home before sundown, I wish you a safe commute and a joyous holiday celebration.  As Moses said, "let my people go.... home."

For those of you who are getting on a train but ride the rails only on special occasions, here are a few things you can expect to see this evening.

Crowded cars.  Yep, you're not the only one trying to get home early.  Be patient.  Some passengers will have large bags.  Feel free to help them put the large bags out of the way, such as on the overhead racks or out the window.

Flowers.  People from the city who travel to religious celebrations in the suburbs just love to bring flowers. That's because nobody cooks in the city.  Expect your train car to smell like a florist's shop.  Or a funeral home.  

Cell phone abusers.  Given the lack of seasoned commuters on these trains, you will encounter numerous people who are announcing the time of their arrival to their loved ones.  At absurd volume levels.  

People waving at the station like they're on a cruise ship leaving port.  When you get to your destination and look for your family member who will drive you home, expect to see a sea of people waving.  They could be waving at you, or not.  It doesn't matter.  Get in any car, you'll likely get close to your destination.

Happy commuting, Happy Passover.  And may you encounter uncommon sense.

Facebook:  www.facebook.com/thetraininvain (share the link, share the love!)
Twitter: @davidrtrainguy

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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

April 10, 2014

Hello dave Train Hazards

I often write about the kinds of things that can exasperate us on the train.  But have you ever thought about hazards to your belongings and to your person?  Dangers exist!  We MUST face these things in order to be safe!  Forewarned is forearmed, so read carefully.  This is more of a public service announcement than a blog post.

Sit and Rip!  Take a look at the armrest on the M-7 train of the Long Island Rail Road.  Looks pretty innocuous, right?  What harm could it possibly cause?  Well.  Just imagine you're wearing a pair of nice slacks.  You sit down, the armrest somehow slides into your pocket.  Your rear end reaches its final resting position, and as it does, RRRRIIIIIPPPPP.  In nanoseconds, you've gone from sharp dresser to homeless chic.  Fortunately, the LIRR has made some adjustments to these armrests, but the danger is still there.

Mind the armrest.  The LIRR used to reimburse for these kinds of accidents, but I doubt they still do.  They have numerous pension scams to fund.  There's no more budget for your pants.

Armrests are waiting patiently to destroy your pants.
Dropped belongings into mystery liquid on the floor.  Ever get on a train and find a nice seat on a crowded car, only to find it is available is because there is mystery liquid all over the floor around the seat?  You take the seat anyway, because you're tired and you don't feel like standing.  You pull out some important papers to review, and get distracted by the woman on the other side of the aisle who is on the phone providing important details of her recent colonoscopy.  What happens to those papers?  That's right.  Down they go.  If you're really unlucky, you had your coat in your lap, and it went down too to mingle with the papers and the gloppy liquid on the floor.  Yuck. Gross.  Sorry, there's nothing the LIRR can do for you.  There's no budget for cleaning up mystery liquid.

Watch the gap.  Or mind the gap, if you're from England.  Come on, really?  Is it so hard to step OVER the gap?  Is this not common sense?  Does the concept of stepping off the platform and onto the train befuddle you?  Does the whole process make you nervous?  Well, don't worry if that's the case.  The LIRR has invested $829,931,002.14 in signage and recorded messages from important and well known safety experts such as Matt Lauer, Alec Baldwin, and Joe Pepitone to remind you to step over the gap.  These highly useful announcements play all day long on the Hicksville platform.

So, you can't get the LIRR to pay for mystery liquid removal from your clothes.  You can't get the LIRR to pay for new pants because the old ones were destroyed by a pants-eating armrest.  Well you're still alive, aren't you?  Thank the heroes of LIRR Management.  It's because of them that you haven't fallen into the gap between the train and the platform.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Follow on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/thetraininvain (share the link, share the love!)
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email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

Hello dave Train Hazards

I often write about the kinds of things that can exasperate us on the train.  But have you ever thought about hazards to your belongings and to your person?  Dangers exist!  We MUST face these things in order to be safe!  Forewarned is forearmed, so read carefully.  This is more of a public service announcement than a blog post.

Sit and Rip!  Take a look at the armrest on the M-7 train of the Long Island Rail Road.  Looks pretty innocuous, right?  What harm could it possibly cause?  Well.  Just imagine you're wearing a pair of nice slacks.  You sit down, the armrest somehow slides into your pocket.  Your rear end reaches its final resting position, and as it does, RRRRIIIIIPPPPP.  In nanoseconds, you've gone from sharp dresser to homeless chic.  Fortunately, the LIRR has made some adjustments to these armrests, but the danger is still there.

Mind the armrest.  The LIRR used to reimburse for these kinds of accidents, but I doubt they still do.  They have numerous pension scams to fund.  There's no more budget for your pants.

Armrests are waiting patiently to destroy your pants.
Dropped belongings into mystery liquid on the floor.  Ever get on a train and find a nice seat on a crowded car, only to find it is available is because there is mystery liquid all over the floor around the seat?  You take the seat anyway, because you're tired and you don't feel like standing.  You pull out some important papers to review, and get distracted by the woman on the other side of the aisle who is on the phone providing important details of her recent colonoscopy.  What happens to those papers?  That's right.  Down they go.  If you're really unlucky, you had your coat in your lap, and it went down too to mingle with the papers and the gloppy liquid on the floor.  Yuck. Gross.  Sorry, there's nothing the LIRR can do for you.  There's no budget for cleaning up mystery liquid.

Watch the gap.  Or mind the gap, if you're from England.  Come on, really?  Is it so hard to step OVER the gap?  Is this not common sense?  Does the concept of stepping off the platform and onto the train befuddle you?  Does the whole process make you nervous?  Well, don't worry if that's the case.  The LIRR has invested $829,931,002.14 in signage and recorded messages from important and well known safety experts such as Matt Lauer, Alec Baldwin, and Joe Pepitone to remind you to step over the gap.  These highly useful announcements play all day long on the Hicksville platform.

So, you can't get the LIRR to pay for mystery liquid removal from your clothes.  You can't get the LIRR to pay for new pants because the old ones were destroyed by a pants-eating armrest.  Well you're still alive, aren't you?  Thank the heroes of LIRR Management.  It's because of them that you haven't fallen into the gap between the train and the platform.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Follow on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/thetraininvain (share the link, share the love!)
Follow on Twitter: @davidrtrainguy
email: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

April 7, 2014

April 6, 2014

Hello dave "After an Earlier Incident," and Other Euphemisms

Today, we explore some commonly used announcements on New York Mass Transit. Oftentimes, what is said over the public address systems can be hard to follow or understand.  This blog post will help you translate those communications into useful information so you can get to your destination.

SUBWAY ANNOUNCEMENTS

"There's a train directly behind this one."
We are lying to you.  There is no train directly behind this one.  Cram yourself in as though you're a clown and the train is a phone booth.

"The next express train will arrive in seven minutes."
We have no idea when the next train will arrive.  It will likely come sooner than seven minutes, so you won't really mind that we're making arrival estimates up.

"This 4 express train will make all local stops on the 2 line, before switching to the 5 line."
The train is going somewhere.  We're not sure exactly where, but we'll go there slowly.  Expect to reach your destination sometime after the next presidential inauguration.

"There is a red signal ahead.  Please be patient."
The engineer drank a 24-oz cup of coffee and could not wait any longer to use the bathroom.  Fortunately, it is only a number one, so the delay shouldn't be more than a minute or two.

COMMUTER TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENTS

"We are stopped due to congestion ahead.  We should be on the move momentarily."
See red signal message above.

"This train is going out of service, please exit the train."
Are you happy in the seat you've got?  Oh. Well, too bad.  We think you'll prefer the next train, in which you'll stand and be packed in like a sardine.

"After an earlier incident, trains are running with 20 minute delays."
Some guy turned himself into track salad.  We've used our track spatula to clean him up, but there's a backlog of trains.  Your best bet is to leave the station and walk.

"6:01 train to Hicksville on Track 13."
Run like zombies and knock over as many people as possible in an effort to be the first person to board.

"Grrble the Dmffbll on the greggkfl.  We repeat, Grrble the Dmffbll."
This is a critical announcement, and you don't want to miss a single word of it.  Your commute depends on your understanding of this message.

SUBWAY AND COMMUTER TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENTS

"Stand clear of the closing doors."
Move, you idiot.  

"Release the doors in the rear."
Move, you idiot.  

"Release the doors in the front."
Move, you idiot.  

I hope these translations from MTA to English help you reach your destination smoothly.  Just remember, the most important thing about commuting is that you MUST frxxbbBonen every single time the conductor swarthkkQloxnWgs.  If you do that, you'll be just fine.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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April 3, 2014

Hello dave Come On and Take a Free Ride

Tonight, I caught the 6:01 train from Penn Station.  The train was short, which means that there were only 8-10 cars instead of the usual twelve, which means more people standing.  I was one of them.  Standing in the vestibule with several other men, we were outside the lavatory.  One of the men had a suspicious look about him.  He was looking around, like he was up to something.  Being the observant and curious person that I am, I started watching him.

He stepped into the lavatory at Penn Station and shut the door.  Right away, I assumed he'd try an old trick I've seen other people attempt.  That is, locking oneself in the lavatory to avoid paying the train fare.  Sure enough, by the time we got out of the East River tunnel, the door was still locked and he was still in there.

One of the guys in the vestibule was drinking a beer, and we all know how beer works.  You can't buy it, you can only rent it.  He knocked on the lav door, and the guy in the lav yelled out, "just a minute."  The guy drinking the beer and I looked at each other, and he was angry.  He also knew the guy was trying to evade the fare, and he was not happy about it.  He said to me, "I HATE when people do this."  When the conductor came by to take tickets, the guy drinking the beer told the conductor that there was a guy hiding in there, and he'd been there for the past 20 minutes.  The conductor knocked on the door and said, "Hey buddy, are you ok?  you've been in there for 20 minutes."

The guy opened the lav door and told the conductor, "I'm ok, just constipated."  Really.  He said that.  I wouldn't make something like that up.  I wish I recorded this on my iPhone.

The conductor asked the guy for his ticket.  Naturally, he didn't have one.  The conductor said, "that will be $21."  The guy then spent what seemed like five minutes checking his pockets, his bag, everywhere to find money.  Finally, he found his wallet and opened the billfold.  How much cash do you think was in the billfold?

Zero dollars.  ZERO... POINT... ZERO.

He asked the conductor if he could pay by credit card.  The conductor said, "we only accept cash."

The conductor then asked the guy for ID, and began filling out a form.  I've seen guys with no cash and no ID get removed from the train, but I guess since this guy had an ID, they'd give him a bill instead.  It took a while for the conductor to complete the form, and while he was filling it out, the guy drinking the beer told the conductor, "I don't want you to have to fill out the form."  He pulled a wad of cash from his pocket.  "Let me pay his fare."  The beer drinking man was trying to embarrass the fare evader, who just stood there and said nothing.  The conductor wouldn't allow it, and the fare evader was given his bill.

The fare evader just stood there for the rest of the train ride.  No shame at all.  What a weasel.  I was hoping he would get booted from the train.

Moral of the story? Pay your fare.  And eat plenty of fiber.


Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

April 2, 2014

Hello dave Interesting Characters of the Third Quarter

In previous posts, I presented the interesting train characters of the first and second quarter.  They made up the first six months of a Long Island Rail Road pin-up calendar.  To refresh your memory:

January: Six Pack Guy
February: End It All Guy
March: Footloose and Fancy Free Gal
April: Medical Emergency Guy
May: Slither Around Everyone Waiting For Doors To Open Guy
June: Vicious Newspaper Consumption Guy

I realize as I write that the characters are mostly male.  I feel very bad about my sexist calendar.  I will try to include more women in the fourth quarter.  We are nothing at TheTrainInVain if not inclusive. 

And now, without further ado, here are the interesting characters of the third quarter.

July: Sleeping Guy Without a Face
Got no human grace, your eyes without a face
Such a human waste, your eyes without a face
And now it's getting worse.

-- Billy Idol, "Eyes Without a Face"

Sometimes, you get on the train and you come upon a seated person who is wearing a hoodie sweatshirt that is completely covering his face. At least, you think the hood is covering his face. For all you know, he doesn't have a face.  Maybe he's the grim reaper.  Maybe he's dead?  He isn't moving at all.  Maybe he's hiding because he's on every wanted poster from New York to Nesselwang.  He's leaning against the window, perhaps asleep.  How would I know?  I wouldn't.  He's creeping me out, and I'm looking for other seating arrangements.

August: The Iron Oozer
I am Iron Man!
Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?

-- Black Sabbath, "Iron Man"

The "Iron Oozer" isn't a WWE performer.  To explain the Iron Oozer, I first need to recap the concept of the "oozer."  The oozer is the person who takes up one seat and "oozes" into the next seat.  See earlier blog post for a visual representation.

Often, oozing isn't done purposely.  The person may be large-boned and naturally has some fall over into the next seat. You sit next to him, and he does his best to make room for you. You can't fault him. 

The Iron Oozer, on the other hand, is an angry and vindictive oozer. The Iron Oozer will not budge as you sit down in the seat next to him. You sit down and he remains EXACTLY in place. You can see that there is space between him and the other side of the seat, but he will not move. It feels like you're sitting next to, well, a block of iron. You could try to find another seat, but by the time you've settled next to the Iron Oozer, the other seats in the car have likely filled up. 

My advice, friends, is stay strong. Shove yourself in there and do not move.  I find that 82.9% of the time the Iron Oozer is weak of heart and eventually retreats. Victory will be yours. 

September: Huge Suitcase Guy
Must I be, a man in a suitcase?
Is it me, the man with the strangest face?

-- The Police, "Man in a Suitcase"

I get scared when I see Huge Suitcase Guy. Huge Suitcase Guy is not a professional commuter. Huge Suitcase Guy didn't feel like springing for a taxi to the airport, so he got on the train with his suitcase containing clothes for a month. Judging by how he's struggling with it, he's likely packed his barbells for this journey. 

Why does he scare me? Because he's going to try to put that case on the overhead rack. He'll pick the bag up and swing it around all the seated people to put it there.  A person inside the swinging arc is going to get hurt.

Sometimes, Huge Suitcase Guy will keep his suitcase in his lap. That's always great fun for the guy next to him. In those situations, Huge Suitcase Guy also qualifies as an Iron Oozer.  

This calendar is coming along quite nicely, I must say.  Just three more months to go.  Let me know if you have characters you think belong on the calendar.  Women and children will be considered first.

Happy commuting, and may you encounter uncommon sense.

Follow on Facebook:  www.facebook.com/thetraininvain (share the link with your friends!)
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email me: thetrain.invain.829@gmail.com

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Someone once told me that if a street performer made you stop and watch, you owe him a buck. I like to think there's an analogous rule on the Internet. If you read this post and it made you smile, you owe the writer a "Like!" Please click the Facebook "Like" on the blog page and/or add your name to the mailing list. I won't spam you too much and I'll appreciate your support until the end of time. 

Hello dave The Sniffer

On the train, woman next to me is reading and has smelled her book several times. Perhaps it is a scratch and sniff book. If so, I hope she's reading about flowers and not deep into "50 Shades of Grey."

Scratch and Sniff Woman. That is a new one. Maybe she will make the Train Characters pin-up calendar I'm planning. 

Hello dave The Sniffer

On the train, woman next to me is reading and has smelled her book several times. Perhaps it is a scratch and sniff book. If so, I hope she's reading about flowers and not deep into "50 Shades of Grey."

Scratch and Sniff Woman. That is a new one. Maybe she will make the Train Characters pin-up calendar I'm planning.